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The Inner Workings of My Mind [entries|friends|calendar]

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[22 Dec 2005|09:56pm]
There are days when everything just seems to fall into place, days when I am truely happy to be here. Then, there are days in which I have to question why I am still alive. Somtimes I wonder what would be diffrent, how much easier it would have been for everyone else if I had never come out of that hostpital 2 years ago. In the two years since that day what have I done worth while? Some days I feel that moments like these are what I am still alive for. Who would not have gotten hurt, who would have it easier, who would think of me as a better person if I had died on that day. There are times I think I am going insaine, there are times I think I am the only saine one. Some days I wake up excited about what's next, and others I wake up and think, "fuck it wasn't all a dream and I have to live it for another day." There are times I feel I am so superficial, and times when I think I am the most selfish person. There are moments when I do things that catch even me off gaurd, maybe a stupid lie that I have to correct or acting like a diffrent person. There are moments when the word awkward just doesn't cut it... at times it seems much worse than awkward. Sometimes I feel rotten, and others I feel like a really good person. These inner battles go on every day. I don't know how to deal with people sometimes mostly (I believe) is because I never interacted with anyone else growing up. I have told people in the past that they will never truely never get to know the real me, they thought that was all emo and adolescent to say... sorry guys but it wasn't a lie. There are parts about me that I hate and others that I adore, there are things I think that are fucked up and things I think of that no one else seems to believe in anymore. I think what it all comes down to is that we are all selfish. I have learned a few things about people recently, No matter how much they say they will always be there for you they are lying. You are always alone in this world it's just a matter of how secure you can make yourself feel. Love is so much more intense when there are circumstances working against it. People are ugly, I used to look for the beauty in others and it's just too difficult to find anymore. People need to hate somthing, it gives them reason to exist. I have learned more intensly about forgiving and taking the blame for things that weren't your fault so that things can be better... it's called sacrafice. I have learned that everyone wants revenge. There was a situation not too long ago where circumstances that involved my situation were getting... lets say thin. Why? you ask because people needed a scapegoat and it always, not an exageration, always ends up being me. I have learned history always repeats itself. I have learned what it really means to be connected to someone. I know what it's like be forgotten, I know what it's like to have people who once cared about you stop caring so much and it's weird because it's all for selfish reasons. I have learned that it's easier for me to face things than to run away. I have learned to be manipulative even when I don't intend to. I have learned what friendship really is and what it really is supposed to be. I have learned that I am human and I make mistakes. I have learned what pride is to me and what pride is to others. I have learned how to take the bullet and to keep smiling. I have learned to cut myself off from the world and then delve back in head first. I have learned about growing older and change once again has interviened in my life. I have learned about myself and who I can become and who I refuse to turn into. I have learned that none of this will matter.
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[15 Dec 2005|08:26pm]
It's too late
I'm feeling
because I've drank too much
of life
I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed
And I don't want to vomit
all over your shoes
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[15 Dec 2005|08:21pm]
We evoke the unexplainable
we like to constrain it
to a neat little box called love
leaves me breathless
lock me inside with it
change me and the jaded effect of this world
take a shot
split my heart into more peices
so it can drift away in the wind
like ashes after death
love is lost in this unforgiving world
give me a name
and make me into a box
so people will understand me
in the same way they think they can with love
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[15 Dec 2005|08:16pm]
He's sucking on ignorance,
She's sipping on virtue,

This is his candid life,
This is her best kiss,

It's his last day,
It's the best day of her life,

One more number in his book,
One more phone call couldn't hurt,

He sees a chance,
She sees promise,

He's full of himself,
She's full of him,

He's sucking on ignorance,
She's sipping on stupidity.
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[15 Dec 2005|08:10pm]
get stuck on me
like some unworldly adheasive
a fresh bandaid with with bigbird
think of me and become a permanant fit
like a wedding ring after 16 years
handprints in concrete
stay by my side
like romeo and julliete without all the dying, save the beauty
a pair of someone's favorite shoes
be with me
like all cleshed peas and corrot sayings
go ahead and lie to me
small talk will be justified
listen up the sun hasn't set
I can't do normal
that's your cue
I don't want to feel anymore
But I do
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[15 Dec 2005|08:04pm]
The sun is setting,
wispers of hearts broken,
the beauty of each day,
the hurt and dissonance,
the best day of your life,
here is where you stay
and today you won't be there anymore,
ciggarettes and coffee,
new best friends,
family lost,
realizations of who we are,
loosing it all,
first day of the week,
last day of the month,
first day of your life,
last day of the cycle,
and the sun is setting.
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ramble and rant, please read and try to understand this stream of concousness [20 Oct 2005|01:46am]
Do you really want to know the truth?
It's that I am afraid to loose you.
Do you really understand how my head works?
It makes it so I don't have to hurt when you leave.
Do you realize you are living with a complete freak?
I am sorry for all the mood swings.
Do you know how much you mean to me?
I really don't show it as much as I should.
Do you think I should let you in right now?
If I did it might make me unstable.

How come I can't talk to you?
How come I can't let you in?
How come I just wont turn to you?
I feel like things have gone to shit.
I feel that you will look down on me,
think less of who I am.
Now that our third is gone, leaving on a whim.
I really want to fix this,
I really want to make this right,
but in a way I feel betrayed,
causing the feeling of being alone every night.
You can't just ditch out and expect to come back the same.
I'm sorry but no one and everyone is to blame.
When I felt really low,
You weren't there to turn to,
So why do you expect the opposite from me,
Your infatuation with other things in life,
left me out,
now that you are back,
I don't know what to do with you.
In a short amount of time I learned to deal by myself,
I am sorry if I am acting weird,
I am sorry if I take out my frustration on you,
I know you are alone right now,
but I have been there already,
I couldn't turn to the people I trusted most,
for they were caught up in their own lives,
and that is where the seperation lies,
our own lives,
I am trying to intergrate them together again,
but it's hard,
to come back from a darkness,
I am trying to be happy,
I just lost one of my best friends,
but I kind of lost them both,
when I moved away to start a new life,
and they forgot about who I am,
and how much we meant to eachother.
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[18 Oct 2005|01:39am]
I met someone, a really cool guy. He is hardcore religous guy that reminds me, well of myself before I met Meaghan Scott. I love you Meaghan, it looks as though you have caused a rippling affect on this world because I am sure I will have some sort of substantial impact of his life. Fall has set in and I don't really know what to think about it. I love it and love it more, but I don't feel like I have time to enjoy anything. At work today I had to listen to one of my co-worker (I was working at a diffrent starbucks) talk about how amazing the show despret housewives is. ...it made me want to vomit, literally. I was feeling sick because I had too much coffee and I wasn't in the mood to listen to him ramble on. Cool guy but yeah, barf. I get to sleep in tomorrow and I don't know what I am doing still awake, it's almost 2am. I am taking a trip to see bonners soon. Can't wait. Also, I might be going to lincon city with Michael, that's where he lives. My parents came down to see me and I think they realized how much I have grown up, or it's just I am showing them a side to me I have been afraid of showing them in the past. I am tired and have a headache. Meggs I miss you way too much, hope you play your part as jennifer aniston well :).
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knock first [04 Oct 2005|07:56pm]
So she doesn't know
what she has done

exclamation point

She forgot who I am
she forgot how to listen


Taking for granted the things I hold
so close to my heart

dot dot dot

Now she is finally realizing
no friendship of mine is easy


Now she is understanding
that it is all or nothing


You can't come back in
through the same doors


You can't expect

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[23 Sep 2005|11:29pm]
Cigarette burns in my pupils,
everytime I gaze upon you and your fucking inner light,
Like battle wounds from common interaction,
Why can't you be the core of my thoughts?
Why can't I feel something for you that no one else comprehends?
The great wall of Eric,
Never letting you in,
Love is the 8th wonder of the world,
I wish I could send you flowers,
I wish I could have the moments with you that make life worth living,
I wish you weren't dying,
For you could be my 8th wonder,
And I could feel for the first time.
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[17 Sep 2005|08:12pm]
So heath came over tonight. It was still awkward. Although, I think that things are never not going to be awkward like they once were. I am so sick of looking for the right guy and all that bullshit. Heath told me he's not sure if he is going to go on the meds or not. He told me he might just get sick and slip away. Either way, he is going to die before I do. He is going to die within the next 2 years. He is going to die. I'm crying.
I don't know what to do. Should I decide to stay by him. We aren't meant for eachother, at least I don't think. All I can think about is that the one person I could potentially really love is HIV+, life is ironic. God likes his irony.
These tears burn, maybe it's because I popped a blood vessel in one of my eyes (according to my step father who is a certified eye doctor) They burn like needles with fire attched at the very tip being stuck into my eyes randomly. It burns, it hurts to cry. I just want to sleep, and have all this be a bad dream. I'm crying, and it hurts.
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oh and this one [17 Sep 2005|04:06am]
Gay Bear
Gay Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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I saw this and couldn't resist, I thought, "I am a loner or and outsider" [17 Sep 2005|04:02am]

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You?
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Moon eyes [16 Sep 2005|09:11pm]
I had an adventure today. I woke up at 3am this morning and couldn't sleep until 7ish. I watched virgin suicides and thought it was a really good movie. I have heart's magic man stuck in my head. I then proceeded to dye my hair before I went back to sleep last night. I awoke again at 3pm, checked my e-mail and beautified myself then left for the bus. On the way some fuckhead scrame "go suck a dick." ... I wanted to scream "Yours?" and flick my tongue derogatively. I ended up flipping him off as I walked to subway. I realized all the cars waiting for the light must have thought I was flipping them all off. Hmm, I hate people. I picked up my check and got on the bus. I went to the loyd center to look for birthday presents for people and to pick up more hair dye. I ended up getting earings, and coffee as well. I went into express and realized I must be looking really good today because the really hot guy that works there hit on me. I, of course, timidly left in a hurry missing all the shirts that were on sale. I ended up coming back downtown and going into fossil where yet again one of the guys working there hit on me. I bought a new wallet to replace the one I've have since highschool that I aquired from pacsun. The blueish horrid wallet doesn't really suit me anymore. I was too afraid to get his # so I left again, in a bit of a hurry. These people must think I have some sort of agoraphobia when in comes to shopping seeing as how I seem to scoot out of there so quickly. On the way to the bus I saw heath and chatted with him a bit. After words I was a bit sorry I didn't give him a goodbye kiss, but things are still a bit awkward. I stood waiting at the bus and a cute guy asked for a cig of which I supplied two to his liking. He didn't ask for my number, instead he talked about the cops and how they always have the look of suspicion on their faces, as if to say "Your all guilty of something." I positiond my headphones back on my head with Herspace holiday ready to play. The moon gently rose and is full tonight, a beautiful yellowish which surly stated "I am the suns alter ego." I got on the bus, sat down and started to chage over all my cards from the old warn wallet to my new frayed at the edges letherish one. ...I know one run down old looking wallet for another psuedo-old run down looking wallet. I looked out the window and the moon was at the same place as my eye in my own reflection. A definate movie moment. A drunk woman that sat in front of me continuously flipped her hair back. Her hair was the poofy, frizzed out "I eat hairspray" hair. She had multiple colors protruding at various part of her heah which included blonds, browns, and grays. She had hair like my mothers, minus the bad coloration. It was probably so bad due to the moist air from the previous disspersment of rain, like my mothers. She must have been drunk as she almost had her head in her lap, her head bobbing as the bus went over bumps. I got lost in the music somewhere along the way and drifted into extreamly deep thought. Now I have a headache.
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Drops of today's blood. [15 Sep 2005|11:26am]
So the last 12 hours has been strange in many ways. I never slept. Andrew stepped "out there" for a little while and I learned a lot about myself. I am actually tired and need sleep so I will add to this later.
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[13 Sep 2005|04:05am]

You are Michael.

Which Queer As Folk Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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Sleepless in Portland [13 Sep 2005|03:13am]
I start at starbucks on the 19th. I am so excited, really I am. I wanted to move to portland, go to school and work in a coffee house. I moved to Portland, went to school, and now I am going to work in a coffee house. It didn't turn out exactly the way I had planned but it's still happening. Eli has a new boyfriend, I am kinda jelous. I know, stupid thoughts. I am jelous of the both of them. Of being able to find eachother. Fuck, why can't I find a good guy that will love me unconditionally? Well, it's almost here. The mark that I have been alive for twentyone years. I think that it's going to be a strange time in my life, but my life is a bit strange all in its self. Anyways I am going to go to sleep, or at least try. They battle with insomnia, the fucker, is about to begin. I am going to be working in the mornings from now on. So I must slay the beast insomnia.
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[12 Sep 2005|03:29am]

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
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[10 Sep 2005|12:39am]
I hung out with Heath tonight. It was really nice. We went to see the emily rose thing. It was pretty good. We went to indian food afterwards and I came home. It was a shift day. The days that seem like they are paralleling reality. The ones that seem a bit off yet you know that it's not really a dream it just feels like it. Yes, today was one of those days. But I am tired tonight and I just want to watch a movie and read. I have to open tomorrow at work and I probably won't get very much sleep. I have been writing a lot lately. I realized the other night that I have lost a part of me. My depth. It feels like I am missing it. I know it sounds odd, but it's true. So I decided to start a new book. I can feel it slowly seep back in. Like my soul is rejuvinating or something to that effect. The thing about getting back to depth is that depth is so fragile. It's hard not to break with the presure of the world all around me.
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breathe it in [10 Sep 2005|12:32am]
We walked together
for something that no one
believes in anymore.

The wind begins to pick up
twisting the trees like a human torsos
in a love dance.

We drank the rain
drinking to mortality
for moments like this wouldn't exist

We walked together
only in it for the search itself
for we had found that
the sun still rises
and that we can still breathe.
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